Run Run Run

逃避...
逃避~~~~~逃避逃避~~~~
我很笨吗?
为什么你们都说我在逃避???
为什么你们一直要我哭???
为什么要我哭???
为什么要我说出我心里的话???
难道给我麻醉自己也很错吗???
难道给我用购物来发泄错吗???
我也只想专心读书...
我也只想专心爱一个人...
就算我真的没有办法跟那个人一起...
看到开心幸福就好...
痴情?笨?傻?
还好吧...
第三次了..我真的好累...
也只想休息...玩...这次我要玩...
我要玩...玩得过瘾...以前太痴情...我要玩...

我不想伤害你.
也不想看见你在远方担心我.
我们永远都是最好的朋友...我们都是最好的朋友...

坏人...

**Fingers crossed**

It's been almost two months...

Two months since we ever hold hands...

Two months since we ever talked nicely to each other...

Seriously.. They say time would heal...

Time healed my anger towards you for leaving me...

It also healed my tiredness...

Been so tired after all the arguments we had...

But it never healed my broken heart from commiting myself so much in the game called LOVE. I thought it would be easy mending my own heart with lots of therapy and going around. I thought it would. Having C around was wonderful as C cheered me up a lot by telling me silly jokes and concern about me even though C is in NYC. The time difference is almost a day behind. I may have feelings towards C, but this feeling is just something so simple and plain because it is hard to find true friends in this life. This feeling stayed until the limit of just friends and nothing over that. Just a typical friend I find interesting and funny. But seriously, nobody has ever thought that I would fall so deep this time. 649 days of being in love with you. Till this day, the love is still there but our distance kept us away. They say loving someone, doesn't mean that you have to be with them. That is why I am still single. Though available, but I just want some simple love that I once had with you. It's so hard to find anymore. As life gets more complicated as our age grows. I just somehow wished I could have another chance with you. I know I should have just never came back after all. I was so happy and excited that you would find me again. But I was left disappointed after all after coming back. But still, I'm glad I came back after all.. 

It is just a new life after all...

Speaking on Valentine's, I didn't go to your place as I had to go back school and settle my things. I ever hurt my pinky toe and dislocated it and find it hard to step when put my feet on the car clutch. At night , had a call from you and all those hurtful things just came out from your phone call. I was stunned and worried that time. I wanted to go up there straight away to look for you and hoping your okay. But the timing wasn't right. The message you sent me that day, I saved it. It cheered me up a little bit and gave me a little hope the other day when you said we'll rest for a while before continuing. With hope...

Hurtful, indeed, but I chose not to blame you for saying those things to me. We could be together if we could really somehow put all the past behind and start a fresh leaf. I would. I would. But I know you wouldn't. Because you have that someone you like. Sighs... And I just wish we really could let those past fall behind... I know i'm not thinking rationally. But I would really be the best if I can ever have the chance to be with you again. It is because we really clicked on each other when we were together and I was happy. I didn't know whether you're happy or not. Because I still see you cry over for her and sometimes... Sighs... 

Saw something on your recent entry days ago, words that were spoken out cannot be kept back. Yes. Words that were said cannot be kept back, but could be forgiven and forgotten. No point? No worries. Because love cures all the pain. Perhaps I didn't love you enough until your pain couldn't be lessen. But the love you gave me, was enough for me to forget the past and accept you for who you are. Blinded by love? I'd give up my eyes to be loved by someone who really cares for me. I know what you want. I would give you what you need. Just plain simple love. We once had it. Right? We'll have it in the future. Maybe with  me, maybe not. But you'll be much more happier when you have found. 

I thought I would be better. But I fell too deep this time. I am getting up on my feet and gaining back my confidence. But not in love. Positive that I will be okay. I wish you would just come back to me after you're tired of messed up life because of me. I wish you would say you love me once again. Everything I wish... Just for the sake of you would come back... After seeing your latest entry... You're just pushing me to C and CH... Not wanting me back.. Not holding on me.. You're just letting me go again after all. I once heard that you wouldn't want me to be in love with others. Because it hurts you. If I could listen to those words that matters a lot again. I'd give up anything just to be with you. All these are just wishes that I wish every time I hug the yellow sponge. I wish I wish I wish to be with you. You knew where you were in my heart. I *heart* you more than any others I had. You knew.. But you left.. Not wanting to be in contact with me... Not wanting to be involve with me.. Not wanting to love me any deeper. 

**Cross my fingers and hope for a better day tomorrow**Life would be better in the days of tomorrow. I wish I wish I wish... I hope hope hope... I miss you my darling... Daring the obstacles in front, daring the uncertain things in life, daring and gambling on the future... I am myself. I am going to be Cheah Jo San. I am going to be who I want and find the one I love. I wish it is you. Stupid I might be, but nobody is wrong to fall deeply in love, **

Thank you... continuing...

To C and CH, 

I can't be a good partner to both of you. 

You both are of great qualities and all that. 

But I somehow just couldn't do it yet. 

There is still something and someone in my mind. 

Needless to say, I'm a person with passion. 

After nearly 2 years being with that someone I really used a lot of effort and patience,

I'm so sorry to both of you. 

Yes. You may curse me as you wish. 

Chop me up with a voodoo doll. 

But I really can't stop myself from thinking backwards. 

What happened back was the happiest time. 

To CH: You asked me... Why won't I try a new relationship? My answer, Because I'm afraid to commit too deep anymore. Right now for at least. Third time being disappointed by people I love and really commit myself, I lost my confidence in maintaining a relationship.. 

To C: You're a very nice person. Thank you for all the things you said to me to help me recover from the messy situation I was in. Letting go was never an easy thing. Especially for the one I have planned my future with. Right now, I just want to concentrate and focus only on my studies and think nothing much about love. Sorry but I have to say this. I love that someone still even though I know I won't be able to mend the broken heart I smashed. I was wandering around all these while. I was lonely. I was very afraid. I came back for that someone. But that someone, backed off me already. Perhaps it was right, perhaps it was wrong. I don't really care anymore. We'll stick as friends forever. We'll stick as best buds. I'm so sorry to you both. 

Thank you for telling me that love isn't everything. 

Thank you for telling me that I was never good enough for you.

Thank you for telling me that I was a failure. 

Thank you for telling me that I need to grow up. 

Thank you for loving me before. 

Thank you for leaving me and forcing me to grow up. 

Thank you for your message to make me come back. 

Thank you J. Thank you 25. Thank you C. Thank you CH. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll be good. We'll always be best buds. 

I hope nothing will ever change our friendship. 

And to J, I have already done my best for our relationship back then. 

I wasn't good enough for you as I can see from your written feelings. 

I was never there to replace her in your mind. 

Thank you for telling me that. 

Thank you for pushing me down the cliff and forced me to climb back again. 

It is just how I pushed you either. 

It's time to stop the blamings. 

It's time to stop the accusations.

Because loving each other was never a wrong thing at all in the beginning.

To C in the sin city of hot dogs...

I'm sorry I couldn't be the one for you. 

I'm sorry I took you for granted. 

But I have to say sorry to you because I don't want to hurt anyone. 

Seriously I treat you just like a friend. 

Thank you for being there for me when I needed a console. 

Thank you for listening to me. 

But I don't think I want to be involved in a relationship with you. 

Distance is such a problem. 

Someone said that distance is not a problem. 

But then seriously, would you spend your youth waiting for someone to be with you. 

But by the time I meet you, it'd be a long time to go. 

You're out there. So far. Few thousand miles away from me. 

I would perhaps stop by a while in the future. 

Going there was part of my future plan either.

But how long are you going to wait?

I have to disappoint you. I'm so sorry. 

I've gotta admit that I do have feelings for you. 

But it would be just great if we would just stay as friends for now.

Time is a deciding factor. 

And you're still young, turning 17 is fun. 

Have fun while you can at the states. 

Junior college and all that... Nothing should be missed...

I'm going to university next year. So do you...

So, just study and don't think that much . 

I'm still not ready for anything involving relationships and commitments..

Don't blame your parents for sending you there. 

They are giving you the best they could. 

I'll be a friend whenever you need, I'll be a partner in the future if we ever have the chance.

But time is just not right now. 

I'm tired. I'm selfish I know. But I really can't push myself further into a relationship.

I have my priorities and the same as you, YOUTH. 

Maybe next time. Maybe never. 

One day, you'll find someone you really love. 

Thank you so much. 

I'll pay you a visit if AirAsia ever sets its path there. XD

坏人.爱情.幸福.请抉择!

壞人
作詞：馬嵩惟 作曲：方炯鑌

那 一扇車門 關出 我們的裂痕
一聲就震斷了回頭的路程

愛 無法均分 以後 就留給你們
也許用傷害結束 愛才更動人

容忍的人其實並不笨 只是寧可對自己殘忍
既然愛不能恆溫 祝福就給你下一個人

你是好人 也是個壞人
對我坦誠 只為了朝他狂奔
不能放任 所以放了
這點痛我還能忍

我是好人 也是個壞人
分得夠狠 你才有藉口轉身
寧願愛 一點不剩
也不忍 看戀人愛成路人

容忍的人其實並不笨 只是寧可對自己殘忍
既然愛不能恆溫 祝福就給你下一個人

你是好人 也是個壞人
對我坦誠 只為了朝他狂奔
不能放任 所以放了
這點痛我還能忍

我是好人 也是個壞人
分得夠狠 你才有藉口轉身
寧願愛 一點不剩
也不忍 看戀人愛成路人

三個人從不對等 總有個人必須犧牲
那永恆 就等他帶你完成

你是好人 也是個壞人
對我坦誠 只為了朝他狂奔
不能放任 所以放了
這點痛我還能忍

我是好人 也是個壞人
分得夠狠 你才有藉口轉身
寧願愛 一點不剩
也不忍 看戀人愛成路人

寧願愛 一點不剩

该怎样才是爱?
懂得爱的人,才会知道爱的人是谁.
因为了解被爱的感觉,才会懂得爱的人是谁.
你...爱过了吗?
幸福往往只发生在那美妙的一段时间,把握>或< 永远失去.
成长,是一种必须经过的过程,我还在成长,也很肯定,有一天我也会成熟.


也不忍 看戀人愛成 路人

D80

Key features on my camera which will be air flown from australia by my uncle beng hoe! HEHE

Key features

• 10.2 megapixel DX format CCD (1.5x FOV crop)
• Image processing engine (similar to D200 / D2X)
• 3D Color Matrix Metering II, 420 pixel sensor (same as D50)
• 11-area AF system (new version of Multi-CAM 1000, similar to D200)
• Custom Auto ISO (selectable maximum ISO, minimum shutter speed)
• Configurable high ISO and long exposure noise reduction
• Mechanical only shutter (maximum 1/4000 sec, flash sync to 1/200 sec)
• Quoted 80 ms shutter lag (short viewfinder blackout; 160 ms)
• Larger, brighter pentaprism viewfinder (x0.94 magnification)
• Support for SD-HC (SD cards over 2 GB in capacity)
• In-camera retouching
  • D-Lighting (shadow / highlight enhancement)
  • Red-eye reduction
  • Trimming
  • Monochrome
  • Filter effects
  • Small picture
  • Image overlay
• Multiple-exposures
• Compact body (smaller, lighter than D70/D70s)
• Improved menu user interface (same as D200)
• Higher capacity EN-EL3e battery (provides detailed information, same as D200)
• Wireless flash integration (same as D200)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
D80 D80~~~~ I can't wait till it's July.
But when it's July, I'm going to be so busy... Busy with everything...
Trials coming and STPM is near..
It's almost the end of February. And my Legal Age is reaching. XD
Can't wait for it. Can't wait for the new lease of my life.
Can't wait to experience everything. Everything that only the Legal Age could do.
Maybe it won't be anything different. But at least. I can finally enter for real.
HEHE. D80~~~~
My D80~~~~~
It may not be as advanced as the successor D90.. But i don't need a HD Video either since I have my Casio Exilim EX-Z77. Time to go Pro with my photos by the way. Portraits, landscapes, and loads more. Will not try macrophoto shooting. Maybe because i think insects gross me out. Hehe.
My shopping lists are getting longer.
Here are some stuff I want to buy in a few months time.
1. Wallet (from HOL... but don't know whether they're getting it for me)
2. Belt (saw one from fourskin and another one in FOS. undecided)
3. White short sleeve shirt (Preferable with a fitting style)
4. A watch (Be it Kenneth Cole, Ellesse or FCUK)
5. Body butter or hand cream.
6. CK bag (saw with Jos. the other day)
7. Bangle. (Stainless steel ones although my dream is to own a Cartier bangle. XD)
8. Guitar. (Probably get it after STPM, a Morrison perhaps?)
9. Laptop (That's next year with the fastest processor. )
10. Iphone 3G 8/16GB(That's after I start to work after STPM *not the china iphone laaa.)

Loads more. Don't know what else I can do to forget my pain. Shopping is the best therapy I guess. Going out and spending more time with my family and friends helps too. I'm finally out of the closet. I'm finally free from all the things that have been bugging me for a long long time. I have to show myself in this year. And it will decide my future.

My Vietnam Nightmare.

Those of you who didn't read my blog before might not know what's my worst nightmare in Vietnam. XD. It's the process I've been through and it's haunting me again.
Been to Vietnam for almost a week and nothing happened until my last day in Vietnam.
Constant and Watery stuff came out from my ... U know...
And lasted in the plane... And also lasted in my stay in KL..
It was very watery and painful and I didn't know what was happening to me.
Right now. I have no apetite to eat anything.
Mom asked me to finish up my 100plus and see what happens tonight.
Third day of going through this. And I'm so tired.
Skipped my mathematics tution either.
Not sure whether I'll be skipping school tomorrow.
Will see how my condition is. But I've got important classes... Sighs...

Let's pray I'll be good.. I'll recover soon.. And I've lost weight!!!! HEHE
And Please DON'T DEHYDRATE!

-Peace was found. Heart was broken. Darkest secrets were revealed. Life has to Move on. Studies are more essential. -

Broken Strings.

Broken Strings - James Morrison feat. Nelly Furtado.
P/S: I still can't figure out how to add songs into my blog. IISH. lousy blogger I am. But I can definitely show ya'll more new pictures when i get my hands on Nikon D80 in July. Hiak hiak hiak. Then I have another thing to keep myself busy! XD

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain't real

Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before


Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

Countdown. Grateful.

Just a random thought. Haven't been updating on my chinese new year events.
Anyway, I went to thailand and had a great time over there with my family.
Hopefully we'll go again next year! Bought loadsa stuff and overspent there. XD
My suei kuan lar... XD ... Now that I don't have any extra expenses..I've got more money for myself! XD

Am turning 18 in a month's time.
Finally legal. No more teasing from friends. Especially you.
18 years old. The age I'm looking forward to. Can smoke, can club but can't gamble. XD
Oh well. Won't be picking up smoking lar of course. Just cigars? XD
Clubbing. Hmms. Hopefully my friends from KL are coming to visit me. Hees.

When I was 16, I once asked myself..."Very sweet meh those 16 years?"
Now that I'm going to be 18, I can finally say, "Yeah, it has been a long way for the past 18 years in my life, but I'm glad that I'm now finally not attached to anything right now. It's a fresh new leaf of page in my life. A new chapter. One chapter that will definitely be deciding my future and also the starting age of the life i want to build on. Will be having those fun I missed out for being younger than you guys a year. XD . Just don't ppk me."

I'll definitely be more mature after this failing this time.
There will be a shining star for everyone in the end.

＊In Jemputree. Thanks Wing for taking this picture*
Thank you my friends. For being there for me. I love my rubbish gang. I love you all. Though this picture is not complete*Soo Bee & Boon Ling* . But we'll definitely stick together through this year and for our lives.

><

有錢並不能代表一切 , 感情 , 生命一般情況下錢是賣不來的。

年薪三十万后 , 妻子却离我而去。最近我的一位朋友刚刚离婚，常常跑到我家来聊天诉苦。这位弟兄算是大家羡慕的成功人士吧，他在华尔街任分析师，年薪三十万美金，开宝马。我和他是大学同学，又都住在新泽西，现在已是无话不说。说来惭愧，我的年薪只有七万，还要带两个小孩和不工作的老婆，买房子是根本不用想了，也总被一些同学认为没出息。我一向羡慕这个朋友，那么有追求，事业那么成功，看我这土老冒，安逸享乐，这辈子算浪费了。本来我和老婆准备帮助这位朋友和他老婆和好的，但是我知道他们离婚的原因后，也觉得无话可说了，开始对生活有了新的认识。

他和老婆是大学同学，青梅竹马，让人羡慕。来美国后，两人都开始为学习生活努力，并且毕业后都找到好工作，更流煞人。工作两年后，弟兄被哥伦比亚大学录取去读 MBA ，毕业后又到华尔街工作，而我这时刚在一个学校找到职位，老婆也生了个儿子，羡慕死人家了。可是不要只是看到这弟兄光鲜的外表，他的婚姻却正在经历痛苦。刚开始两人一起工作时，他老婆问要不要小孩，他说还有好多事没有做完，没有精力。在念 MBA 时，每天早出晚归忙学习，连老婆也忽略了，老婆几次希望能亲密一下，他都已经睡着了。在华尔街工作后，老婆认为终于可以喘口气了，却不想他更是每天早出晚归，因为工作压力比念MBA 还大。

又过了两年，我又有第二个女儿了，他的薪水加奖金也几乎是我薪水的 3 了，老婆却要和他离婚了。女人生小孩也有压力，她的年龄已经太大，不生就晚了；而他却天天忙工作，回到家不是太晚就是太累，他们亲密的机会很少。最近，他发现自己已经阳痿了， 试了几次都不行。老婆一气之下和他离婚了不是因为阳萎，而是觉得他不爱她。

听完他的诉苦，我无话可说。一直被大家羡慕的夫妻生活竟是这样过的，宝马装的竟全是痛苦。钱，钱，钱，现在的人为什么就好像是钻到了钱坑，忽略了其他任何的一切。

钱是身外之物，生不带来，死不带走，赚那么多却没有机会花岂不是很悲哀。我相信现在每年赚三十万的他，宁可花所有的钱来每年来买我的生活，我的老婆和小孩，可是为什么非要到太晚才觉悟呢？他现在正在找一个压力小薪水低的工作，可是谈何容易。除了其他华尔街公司要他做类似的职位外，几乎没有其他公司愿意出那么高价来聘用他。他薪水的一半对于一般的公司都太高了。他开玩笑说是走上了不归路。

生活的真正意义是你在死前回过头来问自己是不是活的很快乐，是不是对得起家人，而不是一辈子赚了多少钱。

我们的小孩也根本不在乎他们是不是有高级玩具，而是有没有爸爸陪他们玩不花钱的游戏。

有人认为如果不趁年轻时赚钱将来怎么办。人不能活在将来，因为你怎么知道你有将来？你甚至怎么知道你有明天？未来？ 还有将来的将来？什么时候是你的今天？ 钱是永远也赚不完的。但是你一定确定你有现在，你可以把现在活好。而且有没有出息并不是完全用钱来衡量的。对于我来说，我的出息是可以每天早早回到家陪家人吃饭和陪小孩玩。这也是有出息。



刚刚收到一份 EMAIL 故事和大家分享：

多年前我跟悉尼的一位同学谈话。那时他太太刚去世不久，他告诉我说，他在整理他太太的东西的时候，发现了一条丝质的围巾，那是他们去纽约旅游时，在一家名牌店买的，那是一条雅致、漂亮的名牌围巾，高昂的价格标签还挂在上面，他太太一直舍不得用，她想等一个特殊的日子才用。讲到这，他停住了，我也没接话，好一会后他说：“ 再也不要把好东西 留到特别的日子才用， 你活着的每一天都是特别的日子！”

以后，每当我想起这几句话时，我常会把手边的杂事放下，找一本小说，打开音响，躺在沙上， 抓住一些自己的时间。我会从落地窗欣赏淡水河的景色，不去管玻璃上的灰尘，我会拉着太太到外面去吃饭，不管家里的菜饭该怎么处理。

生活应当是我们珍惜的一种经验， 而不是要捱过去的日子.我曾经将这段谈话与一位女士分享，后来见面时，她告诉我她现在已不像从前那样，把美丽的磁具放在酒柜了。以前她也以为要留待特别的日子才拿出来用，后来发现那一天从未到来。“将来” ，“总有一天”已经不存在她的字典了。

如果有什么值得高兴的事，有什么得意的事，她现在就要好好体会，对没有拥有的事物，看淡些，不去想它。

我们常想跟老朋友聚一聚，但总是说“找机会”。我们常想拥抱一下已经长大的小孩，但总是等适当的时机。我们常想写封信给另外一半，表达一下浓郁的情意，或想让他知道你很在乎他/ 她，但总是告诉自己不急。其实每天早上我们睁开眼睛时，都要告诉自己这是特别的一天。每一天，每一分钟都是那么可贵。有人说：你该尽情的跳舞，好象没有人在看你一样。你该尽情的用爱心对待所有人，好象从来不会受伤害一样。我也要尽情的跳舞，尽情的爱。