100th post

My heart seriously aches right now. = (
End of blogging my personal life.
= ( = ( = ( = (

Day out.

An unforgettable chapter in my life.

It's the 98th post.

Starting work soon. Just enough for me to keep myself busy and packed with workload. So that i don't feel the pain that's in my heart right now. Every moment, I thought of texting her, asking her how she's doing and all that. But I held back this time. It was hard for me not to look at my phone today. Hoping that she'd find and look for me whenever she's bored. Tried so hard not to think about her. It was a memorable love story. It's now over and we lost to something called our inner self. I had never held her hand and pak-tor with her before. Nevertheless, I had never even hugged her before. Why is it a love so pain? It's because I actually thought that we'll be happier after this half a year. When I get into university, and her, working or even taking up a course. Just doing something she might be into. Going down to see her whenever I have the free time. And all sorts of things that could make her in my company. Why am I in so much pain right now? Because I actually lost my way after losing her. Where am I standing? What have I built? I have dreams... Yes... I do have my dreams... Nothing will stop me from going on... I actually have no problem coping with everything else with myself... But when it comes to love... I'm just a loser.

Not being negative or what, but to think of it, my weakness is the game of love. I'm so tired... So fucking tired... Why don't I deserve something I love... Why don't I deserve having somebody around my arms and love them the way I want to... All my previous partners were such a pain... Am i being stupid for being held by them? Being manipulated by everybody in my life... I need to make a stand... I'll just be manipulated for another half a year... Nothing seems to cheer me up really... Just wana keep myself busy and busy and busy...

Until the 100th post... Then i'm making things change... Keeping my personal feelings all inside again... Just like how I used to be before I met her... Mysterious... Stress-free from the outside... Struggling on the inside... Just wishing she'll be happier the way she wants to... She may think I'm trying to be a wise person or what... But she doesn't know what's going on inside me... Just wanna try to be there for her... Its not worth it she might think... But I'm not going to be repeating my mistake again... Not like the previous one anymore...

Body's aching, heart's in pain. This pain will be even worse later on...

No matter how long I still have, I just wish I have the chance to experience being loved by my friends and family. Love no more. It'll be my deepest regrets of all time. I'm tired. I'm sorry. I just wanna cry it all out as I've been holding back my tears for some time... But I couldn't cry anymore...

The rest is the past.

There was this thing called love I never understood. I used to think of it as a bond between two people in love, where nothing else matters. And that love was the only things I'm always worried about. To be happy, to feel loved by someone I care. I used to as I said. Now, it's a new meaning to me after all. There was this love story which happened to me. In just a vast 4 months, how things have developed and changed.
Got to know her from a chat group in MSN. Exchanged numbers, and hence, I thought everything was going well with me and another friend. Things changed when I become more emotionally attached to her, telling her all my problems, and her, needing my support and comfort. Went to met her during mid Sept holidays. Boy, it was just a shrud against the shoulders, and a pat on her shoulder. I felt something I've been afraid of. Just so that I could make a new friend, and stay as a friend who she can talk to. I might not be a big help, but at least if she gets her mouth starts talking, she'll be more relaxed than usual given that the life of her's is filled with fear and tension. Then, something happened in the meantime, an incident she thought it was over. As I started to have feelings for her, all I just want to do was to protect her and let her know that there's nothing to be afraid of. Giving her moral support wasn't enough. It's the vendetta in her heart that needs to be vanished. No matter how hard I tried to console her, she just kept it inside her. Being a strong lady, she took it all into her heart. I thought I was doing good until what I've been told again. I got stuck on her during her hard times, and I just wanted to care for her even more. Greed made me commit on a relationship with her. We loved each other, may I say, but there were dark corners around her which I couldn't counter at all. Meanwhile, I'm having health issues that could rip my life.
Soon, her birthday came. Being unable to celebrate with her. I posted her birthday presents for her. Would love to hand things to you personally, but we know it'd be impossible as both of our examinations are in the corner. Things went pretty well, but during the exam period, we argued over pressure and stuff. Being my soft-hearted self, I cried a lot during that period. The pressure from my family was too intense, and I've been a bad person to her. Somebody tried to rip me off her, right now, that ass should be pretty happy instead. At least she chose to tell me the truth. Things were going up and down, until she procrastinated the way I am. According to her, I'm being someone who doesn't have my own opinion. But indeed, I just wanted to stop us from arguing. There was no more chance for me. It's January now, all these happened in the month of December 2009. Remember 2008? Surely I did. And for the same period of time, I had to go through all these over and over again. It hurts. It really hurts. There was no one to turn to, so I couldn't hide my feelings from her and told her I couldn't let her go yet. On Christmas Day itself, I gave her christmas presents. Teddybears. The fluffy toy she loved and a laconic necklace. I don't know whether now if she's thrown it away or kept it inside the box. All I could sense is that she needs a friend who can always be there for her. I told her I'm willing to help her. But the way she thinks is kept in herself and not letting anybody persuade her to do things. On Boxing Day morning, I received a text bomb. Stunned like I wrote in my previous post. It took me a long way to be emotionally ready for the next stage of my life from what happened in the past year. She was busy and busy, but she said she'll be with me to overcome all these issues. But in the end, I'm still alone. I couldn't ask more right now. Since things were not the way it was supposed to be anymore. I've learned my lesson. And I shall not reveal my feelings to anyone anytime soon. Or should I say, I'm tired of these fucking love life I have. Nothing seemed real and clear to me anymore. Not even my future. I just know, I'm the one who controls my life. And for my birthday present, she asked me what I want the most. I told her what I want is unaccomplishable. She kept quiet. And I think it'll be better this way. Friends have been asking what I wanna do on my Birthday already. I think, I just want a simple celebration. Wanted to go down to be with her. I don't think I should be doing that anymore. Even if there is still feelings I have for her, it'll never be revealed. She knows I'm in love with her. If a friend is what she needs, I'll say Yes to her requests as long as I can do it. It's CNY in less than a month. How I wish to take her around if she ever comes around. But it's all her choice. Treating me and that ass like a friend. Or maybe she won't even choose both of us! It's the fairest way she'll think.
The rest is the past. Live on as long as I'm alive.
I think I'll be happier this way and appreciate what I have.
As long as she remembers me as a friend, I'm happy and proud to be one.
She's a nice lady, just that she got issues with her heart.
Hopefully one day she'll grow up and be more open minded. Nevertheless, she's still so young and naive over some things.
It was a love that was painful, but I never regret loving her as much as I could. Fate ends between me and her. What can I do when there's nothing to do? It'll be only be up to time and fate to decide. Taking prescription drugs right now. I wish I had nothing to do with it. Cos i'm really afraid of being sick!

2nd post of the day

2nd post of the day.

Sighs. Really am heartbroken.

Why? I really really like you. And Why did I say those things to u?

95th Post.

Well, here's a brand new year, that also means a brand new life.

The starting of a new chapter after the end.

For the last 2 weeks of 2009, i was in KL to celebrate christmas and new year.

Both celebrations are held in my aunt's house, which is however, big enough to hold such a big party.

Anyway, I went to see you on Christmas Day itself. Bought you 2 teddy bears. And I gave you 3 presents that day. 3rd present was actually myself. LOL. Things was quite bored for me in KL however. Cos you're busy working and didn't have the time for me. And so, yeah, I was unhappy for a while. But was even unhappy when you dropped a bomb on me. And again, yeah, I felt even worse. Didn't quite understand why you did that to me. But I've said before, as long as you're happy with your decision, I'll definitely respect your decision. Was having fumes all over my head on Sunday, that was 2 days after the bomb. Had fever and started to go crazy. Went to Redbox after lunch and all that. Screamed the whole way. But was tamed down again by you. I've never expect that you had so much influence on me. Oh well, lousy me, always get soft-hearted by ladies. sighs* You said you wanted me to treat you like how I used to and even better. Thinking that I like you, so why not? Who knows when will you find a better person than me right? And who knows I will meet someone better right? So as long as I still have feelings for you, I wouldn't mind doing this for you. You've gave me upside down turns, confused over what I am to you. But in the end, I'm pretty clear that I'm just trying to woo you back to me again. When I'm sick and tired, I'll be gone, soon before you find out. Just to see you happy, makes me happy enough to stay by your side even though I know it's unrealistic. I've made stupid mistakes before. And never want to make it happened twice! So well, more updates and pictures on my 96th post then. Till then.

2010,a perfect year. for me to do what I really want.

It was only half a year till i get my freedom, perhaps you just wana fly before learn how to walk?