It's the 98th post.
Starting work soon. Just enough for me to keep myself busy and packed with workload. So that i don't feel the pain that's in my heart right now. Every moment, I thought of texting her, asking her how she's doing and all that. But I held back this time. It was hard for me not to look at my phone today. Hoping that she'd find and look for me whenever she's bored. Tried so hard not to think about her. It was a memorable love story. It's now over and we lost to something called our inner self. I had never held her hand and pak-tor with her before. Nevertheless, I had never even hugged her before. Why is it a love so pain? It's because I actually thought that we'll be happier after this half a year. When I get into university, and her, working or even taking up a course. Just doing something she might be into. Going down to see her whenever I have the free time. And all sorts of things that could make her in my company. Why am I in so much pain right now? Because I actually lost my way after losing her. Where am I standing? What have I built? I have dreams... Yes... I do have my dreams... Nothing will stop me from going on... I actually have no problem coping with everything else with myself... But when it comes to love... I'm just a loser.
Not being negative or what, but to think of it, my weakness is the game of love. I'm so tired... So fucking tired... Why don't I deserve something I love... Why don't I deserve having somebody around my arms and love them the way I want to... All my previous partners were such a pain... Am i being stupid for being held by them? Being manipulated by everybody in my life... I need to make a stand... I'll just be manipulated for another half a year... Nothing seems to cheer me up really... Just wana keep myself busy and busy and busy...
Until the 100th post... Then i'm making things change... Keeping my personal feelings all inside again... Just like how I used to be before I met her... Mysterious... Stress-free from the outside... Struggling on the inside... Just wishing she'll be happier the way she wants to... She may think I'm trying to be a wise person or what... But she doesn't know what's going on inside me... Just wanna try to be there for her... Its not worth it she might think... But I'm not going to be repeating my mistake again... Not like the previous one anymore...
Body's aching, heart's in pain. This pain will be even worse later on...
No matter how long I still have, I just wish I have the chance to experience being loved by my friends and family. Love no more. It'll be my deepest regrets of all time. I'm tired. I'm sorry. I just wanna cry it all out as I've been holding back my tears for some time... But I couldn't cry anymore...
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