Oh gosh. Empty.

My oh my, I'm feeling numb again.
No, not because i've been sitting too long or sleeping too long.
But everything is so sudden, I don't know if it's pain or it's joy.
In my previous post I mentioned somebody.
That somebody whom I really thought would be someone whom I can start a new chapter. But something happened just hours after I wrote the blog about her. It came to a question and a doubt my friends asked me. I know they were trying to remind me of my previous mistakes and all that. I just never thought it could be stuck on my mind. She asked me what they asked, I honestly told her. And I told her I was thinking too. I didn't want to hide from her. But, it was something to be discussed over someday. It was a matter of trust. I really blame myself for making her pissed off with me. She definitely had the rights to be pissed off at me and disappointed at me. All I wanted was to NOT lie to her and say I'm okay and keeping all the stuff to myself. Before J, I had a terrible encounter which made me totally frightened and I don't know what happened. I am protecting myself too much. I wanted to love *miss somebody* with all my heart and start a new relationship. It really shattered my heart when she said she was going to leave. I didn't want her to leave. Although it is a decision I truly hate, but I just wanted her to be happy and I wanted her to be mine only. I never said I was not greedy. I want her to be truly to me only. I never asked, she never thought, I said things to her I mean, but I screwed it up altogether.
It's my 4th time. And it fucking hurts my self confidence.
Sorry is not the best word to make her stay. I asked her not to leave. She said she didn't want to think. I'm sorry for making her think this way and be confused and upset. Things weren't really well with me. It really made me vomit. Determined to fight for a chance to get her for myself, I asked her to reconsider somehow.
I've thought about this while I was waiting for something to be done. I found out that, what I really want is someone who could commit herself only to me. No, I'm not saying that she can't. But in a short period of time, we can't be together. She has her concerns. I was about to tell her that, C is now with another one. And I really felt happy for her. I need to say I'm not feeling anything. Because with the joy for her having another one, and the tears for letting *miss somebody* go, I really felt empty. All over again, it was empty. What I wanted to tell *miss somebody*, couldn't be reached anymore unless she just accidentally bumps into my blog. I want commitments from her. But its not going to be easy for her to figure out who she prefers. It's been a while since I wanted someone to fill my life. But, I guess I'd just have to stick to myself. = ( I miss *miss somebody*.
Oh well, shut the fuck up and rest.